A Blog that Lies

KENTUCKY- “Americans are becoming more and more shaped like ovals. This has got to stop before we get so big that our stomachs explode literally,” Dr. Shawzee Boh, a health expert, said.

In an attempt to stop the rapidly increasing obesity rates, one small town in Kentucky is revolutionizing how we think of fast food. Local legislature just passed into a law an ordinate that would give the right to any transportation company to search for fast food on their clients. They also have the power to kick off any clients that have fast food on them.

“Obesity is a major health concern. Drastic situations call for drastic actions.” Paul Bober, who came up with idea, defended it.

However, a law like this never goes in without speculation. Some people say that it’s against the constitution to decide what you can and can’t eat. Other people that this is too drastic.

“I was strip searched for fast food,” Sarah Goffman said. “That’s not even funny, I thought this was supposed to be the land of the free.”

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WORLD NEWS- When you’re experiencing pain you usually go for some type of pain medication like Tie Len Ol or Mol Tren. One company wants to change all of that by offering a new form of pain treatment by eating red hot chili.

“Chili is known to be very spicy and numbs our tongues,” Mika Rod, CEO of the company launching this new treatment, said. “If the patient eats a ton of chili this will magnify the effect and numb the whole body.”

Obviously this statement is a little vague. What’s meant by a ton? 5 red hot chili? 10? 15?

“In order to maximize results, the patient will have to eat a bucket full of chili,” Mika Rod answered.

A whole bucket of chili just to remove pain. That may sound too far fetched for anyone to try, but the truth is that Chili Treatment has already sold a million packages of their formula for pain reliever.

“I loathe taking pain medication when I get hurt,” Sarpie Lougie, a customer, said. “This chili treatment is a great all natural way to relieve the pain while having no side effects.”

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HARRISON, OHIO- It seemed like a routine stop for 32 year old Jerack Gerber. Jerack was stopping at a local convenient store to buy some doughnuts. The simple trip ended up two seriously wounded pedestrians. As Jerack made his way back to his car, he claims that the doughnuts mesmerized him.

“It was like the doughnuts had some sort of magnet and my eyes couldn’t stop looking at them. They looked just so scrumptious and delicious.” Jerack said to the public.

As Jerack made his way back into the car, something happened that no one can explain. Jerack started driving and he claims that his physical being was in the car, but his mind was transported into a whole new dimension- one where he says that everything is made up of doughnuts.

“The dimension was like a whole new world where everything, including the people, resembled doughnuts.” Jerack claimed.

With his mind out of this world literally, he struck two pedestrians injuring both of them severely. The pedestrians are reported in critical condition at a local hospital. Even with the vivid descriptions and retelling of this dimension, police disregarded the story as they found four packets of cocaine in the car.

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KLOCHVILLE, MARYLAND- Several bizarre police incidents have been reported in the small town of Klochville including a case of a killer cat and ninjas. However, the most bizarre case is when a local bishop called 911 at around 2:00 AM. The bishop told operators that he couldn’t move diagonally anymore and asked police for help.

“As a bishop, it’s a requirement for me to be able walk diagonally,” Bishop Charles defended his actions. “If I can’t walk diagonally, all my followers will think that I’m an imposter.”

Police authorities arrived on the scene and determined that the Bishop could not move diagonally because of arthritis in his legs. However, the Bishop was fined 100 dollars for calling 911 with no real emergency.

“No emergency? My whole career was on the line!” Bishop Charles defended his call.

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ANNAPOLIS- Jenna Bush, daughter of George Bush, showed the public once and for all that she could read. During a national book tour, Jenna made her way up to the podium and started reading the story of Cinderella. This is in response to a rumor that Jenna didn’t know how to read.

“She read magnificently,” George Bush said later teary eyed. “I’m so proud of her. Growing up and learning how to read in public. One day she’ll even learn how to write… I can’t take it.”

Besides reading Cinderella, Jenna went through a whole pile of books including Peter Pan and sang the alphabet. The whole performance lasted two hours and ended with thunderous applaud. Even though it seemed like Jenna has showed the media that she can really read, there is a lot of speculation going around that she faked it.

“I watched her mouth carefully throughout the whole performance,” Scott Jacob, one of the spectators, said. “Sometimes her lip movement was too fast for the spoken word which leads me to believe she was lip syncing. A person was probably reading backstage while she was lip syncing.”

Both Jena Bush and George Bush were unavailable to comment on this.

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UNITED STATES- Several alleged sightings of ninjas have occurred and many incidents have been blamed by these ninjas. One of these incidents involved three ninjas infiltrating a bank and stealing all the money. When police forces tried to stop them, the ninjas attacked leaving everyone either unconscious or dead. The ninjas left the scene allegedly untouched.

“We have no idea where these ninjas came from,” Sheriff Mark Gawtcher, a sheriff on the scene of the robbery, said. “They’re obviously highly trained in the art of combat. Even with 20 deputies and policemen wielding guns, they managed to dodge the bullets and knock down each person.”

This is not the only incident that was reported involving ninjas. Several other cases from around the country have been reported including ninjas chasing people with machetes, pooping on highway traffic, and even tepeeing the White House.

“At this point we’re not certain whether or not the incidents involved the same people. It is important to stay calm as our defense cracks down on them,” Head of Homeland Security said in a national press conference.

The FBI has added the Ninjas on their most wanted list. Reward is set at 100,000 if you have any information leading to the arrest of the ninjas.

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