“Chili is known to be very spicy and numbs our tongues,” Mika Rod, CEO of the company launching this new treatment, said. “If the patient eats a ton of chili this will magnify the effect and numb the whole body.”

Obviously this statement is a little vague. What’s meant by a ton? 5 red hot chili? 10? 15?

“In order to maximize results, the patient will have to eat a bucket full of chili,” Mika Rod answered.

A whole bucket of chili just to remove pain. That may sound too far fetched for anyone to try, but the truth is that Chili Treatment has already sold a million packages of their formula for pain reliever.

“I loathe taking pain medication when I get hurt,” Sarpie Lougie, a customer, said. “This chili treatment is a great all natural way to relieve the pain while having no side effects.”

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“It was like the doughnuts had some sort of magnet and my eyes couldn’t stop looking at them. They looked just so scrumptious and delicious.” Jerack said to the public.

As Jerack made his way back into the car, something happened that no one can explain. Jerack started driving and he claims that his physical being was in the car, but his mind was transported into a whole new dimension- one where he says that everything is made up of doughnuts.

“The dimension was like a whole new world where everything, including the people, resembled doughnuts.” Jerack claimed.

With his mind out of this world literally, he struck two pedestrians injuring both of them severely. The pedestrians are reported in critical condition at a local hospital. Even with the vivid descriptions and retelling of this dimension, police disregarded the story as they found four packets of cocaine in the car.

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“The death of Laura still is undergoing investigation,” Bob Poodell, one of the authorities in charge of the case, announced. “Dermatologists have been called from around the world to study this type of acne. There is still no need to panic.”

The type of acne that Laura contracted has been dubbed “The Killer Acne.” If this acne is contagious, another world epidemic might spread like SARS and the bird flu. In brighter news, as the masses of the people start to panic, acne washers and treatment sales have skyrocketed.

“In this day in age, people will panic about anything. I highly doubt this one freak case can affect the health of the rest of the world. To all the teenagers out there enjoy life don’t freak out about it.” Pooden Bodell, a health expert, gave us his views.

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“Each type of TV show stimulates a different part of the brain,” Researcher, Alan Greene, founder of this program spoke out. “Using the right combination of TV shows, one can stimulate the brain enough to fight off the disease.”

The treatment has been named TFT or TV for treatment and is rewriting medical books as we speak. Even though the idea may sound outrageous at first, 90% of patients have reported getting better since using the treatment. The company that launched the program called Greene Medical Co announced that they have released treatments for colds and fevers thus far.

“We hope that the success of the program right now will spread to more severe diseases such as Alzheimer’s or even cancer.” Tom Greene, CEO of the company, announced.

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“I think this is a phenomenal idea,” Nicholas Sarkozy, France’s president, announced. “If a piece of metal can lose weight while being constrained in a box, anyone can lose weight if they exercise and eat right.”

The campaign was started when scientists realized that the protocol kilo was mysteriously losing weight. The name of the campaign has been officially named “Lose Kilograms along with Kilo.”

“Although we are still puzzled as of why the kilo protocol is still losing weight, we’re glad that something good has come out of it. Millions upon millions of people have started daily exercise and eating nutritional foods from this campaign.” Richard Stanzy, the scientist that first discovered that the kilo was losing weight, said.

In the meantime, obesity rates are still the highest they’ve ever been in the history of mankind.

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“This study is quite interesting,” Susan McCarthy, a school teacher, said. “If it’s true, then people will actually be afraid to enlighten themselves with knowledge. However, I think the risk of being smart is worth it. You’ll get a better job, better college, and better life.”

This may explain why a student and teacher were struck down when they were walking together. The victims, Mark Hanson and biology teacher Peter Madison were reported in stable condition. Witnesses say that there was no apparent sign that a thunderstorm was brewing up when they heard lightning strike.

“I doubt that this study is actually true,” Jessica Mill, a biologist, said. “If that’s true then why haven’t the smartest people in the world been touch by lightning? If knowledge really is positive, then Albert Einstein should have been struck a thousand times! The 0.2 can easily be from experimental error.”

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